As my relationship hung in the balance while waiting to hear about CRNA school, my grandma was suffering from Alzheimer’s and was entering the end stages of the disease. As I prepared myself for my dreams, my mom was preparing and helping my Grandma transition from her final earthly days to home into God’s arms and to be with her beloved husband, my grandfather, after 64 years of marriage.
June 2, 2014:
Tossing back and forth on my friends couch I decided I would just sleep through the morning as a way to waste time waiting for “the phone call” I had been waiting on for the last few weeks. The one that would decide where I would live and may be the deciding factor of my relationship.
Finally I glanced at my phone, missed call and voicemail from Providence, RI. Oh no!! I missed the call!! How could I let that happen?? Without thinking I went immediately to voicemail and put the phone to my ear: “This message is for Amanda Krueger, this is the program director of St. Joseph’s CRNA program and I’m calling to notify you of your acceptance into our program……” WHOOOOOOO!!! Thank you God!! I then woke up my friends and proceeded to call my family and pretty much anyone on my cell phone list I thought would care! Amidst all the excitement I then got sick to my stomach with the realization that I had to call my boyfriend. Oh no…. it seemed the future of our relationship hung on my acceptance into school or not. I was moving to Rhode Island.
As I drove home to get ready for work, I knew I had to call him. Our conversation was awkward and when we got off the phone he texted me saying: “I’m not going to Rhode Island.” And as I looked back at this moment months later, I realized this was the moment when I was finally just done. After 10 years of a friendship, a relationship of ups and downs, a long distance relationship at that, struggles, tears, disappointments, love, support, happiness, I ended it. We had been drifting apart ever since I applied to school and while we both took turns over the last 10 years fighting for the relationships, I couldn’t fight anymore. He was my last phone call when he should’ve been the first (well, after my mom) and not only did I call him last I was sick about it. Shouldn’t he be my biggest fan and support? The person to ride with me to my dreams?
I stepped out of my car on this bright, hot, sunny 109 degree Arizona day and as I walked up the stairs to my apartment, I saw another feather. God is great! The dream giver remains! I must stay the course.
My journal entry that day:
I trust you to get me to RI. To let go of what’s not needed, to hold on to the precious things and run quickly and steadfastly into your arms.
I’m ready for the next steps of the journey. I know you’ll get me to RI and get my grandma home and provide my mom peace.
Lead me with the wisdom to keep pressing forward and deliver me from evil. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven Forevermore.
YOU ARE KING! I LOVE YOU! I THANK YOU. I am ready for desert wastelands and hopeful sanctuaries! Take me on the journey. This time Lord I’m going with you!
I picked up a piece of paper and began making one of my famous to-do lists of everything that needed to get done as school was starting July 1st! I had less than 4 weeks to move across country and find an apartment. Now that I wasn’t getting married anymore and living with him, I had to do some serious re-arranging. As I became anxious looking at my list I tore it up and threw it away and made a new one:
1. Get to RI safely
2. Grandma home to God peacefully
3. Have all basic needs met during the move: food, shelter and clothing.
4. Find job & an apartment
What do you want from God? What are you asking Him for in your prayers.
Be very careful what you pray for and what you ask God for… He is listening and your life WILL change when you faithfully walk by His side.