12. Messages & Phone Calls cont…

My mom continues to care for my grandma who is declining with Alzheimer’s disease and I just found out I was accepted to CRNA school!! Unfortunately though I just ended my 10 year relationship to the man I had planned to marry last month. Slightly overwhelmed but still I continued daily prayers and devotionals with and to God.

June 4, 2014:

One of my good friends, Kirstyn, whom I had met back in Baltimore was already in the CRNA program I had applied to. She was the one who referred me to the program and helped me out with the interview process. I still remember her screams of excitement when I called her and told her I was accepted.

This evening I had just finished reading and writing in my journal and God immediately spoke to me and told me to call her. She didn’t answer so I texted her because I really wanted her to receive my message:

“Hey girl! I was just sitting here praying and thinking….do you remember where we were 1 year ago? We were sitting in Baltimore, working our butts off, unhappy, broke, living in a studio apartment together trying to find direction, peace and happiness. I was super sick and on steroids and you were barely holding it together working nights and working to get into CRNA school. Now here we are, you have a year in to school already under your belt and I just got in. Wow. how things can change in just a year…”

A few hours later she called me back agreeing with all I said, excited for what’s to come and she said: “The energy and excitement you feel right now. Hold on to it. There will come a time in this program where you will feel tired, and defeated and you will have to know why you are doing this. Right now I want you to get out a piece of paper and write down everything you feel in this moment so when it gets tough you can always look at it. And, I am so happy you are moving here. I have been praying to God for a friend and I’m so happy he sent me you.”

That week she had found us a 2 bedroom apartment, paid the fees and we both signed the lease. She also referred me to her staffing agency. God was already checking things off my list: I had housing and a possible job. I was to stay in her 1 bedroom for a couple weeks and then we would move across the parking lot to a newly, refurbished 2 bedroom. God IS GOOD!

As I sat to write, I had my gospel music on and one of my favorite songs began playing, I Understand by Smokie Norful: “When you can’t hear my voice then trust my plan. One more day, one more step, I’m preparing you for myself…”

My Entry after the phone call:

9:39pm. In this moment I am standing outside on my balcony, my dog in my arms, the desert heat at my back, and my face to the light of the sky. So far I’ve come, looking out to the sky, watching planes land safely and learning to never doubt God’s plan for me.

I have been accepted into CRNA school and I just got off the phone with my good friend Kirstyn–I hope she knows she has lightened my load.

Though much remains uncertain and undone at this point–goodbyes, the move, work, money, my grandma–I remain strong in my faith and trust in the Lord. I know He understands.

My career as an RN I hope to think was everything I wanted it to be. I got to lightly touch every goal I had made. Began my leadership journey and was able to guide, teach, and help the sick, wounded, confused and scared. Now I stand at the cusp of a brand new career ready and prepared as I take God’s strength into new territory. 

God put a dream of becoming a nurse in my heart from day 1, I followed Him, I lost Him, I found Him and now God has whispered in my ear to help others reach their dreams, their full potential. And it starts with discovering and living my own. 

To whom much has been given, much is expected. I must act on all knowledge given to me by God.

My reasons for becoming a CRNA go far beyond touching patient’s lives, it goes deep to believing in God and who I can help along the way. What would God have me do today? When I’m tired, will I give up or will I stand? God has given me great responsibility over people’s lives which I do not take lightly. He has blessed me far beyond my mind can even comprehend and He also loves me. He will see me through desert wastelands to restorative and transforming sanctuaries. By His mercy and grace I will not fail. I may be in the heat of the battle but I’m a warrior of God.

Nothing will and shall keep me from my God-given dreams. To act prudent and responsibly with the lives of others, to speak only good, to serve and honor others, to communicate effectively and consciously and to place God first above all else.

I want all of this because God wants this for me. Because He has a greater plan for me far beyond my comprehension. Because to whom much is given much is expected. Because I was made to produce much, much, much more fruit. 

I sit at the right hand of the Father and He fills my cup. I will go on. STAY THE COURSE!

Amen!

Grab a notebook. If you’re not comfortable talking to God, write to him… That’s what I did and continue to do. Every knee shall bow,but you gotta start the conversation… He is ready and willing and so wants to hear from you. Seek Him, Call out His name, write down what’s on your heart and be prepared for His answer and be willing to receive His love.

 

 

Advertisements

11. Messages & Phone calls

As my relationship hung in the balance while waiting to hear about CRNA school, my grandma was suffering from Alzheimer’s and was entering the end stages of the disease. As I prepared myself for my dreams, my mom was preparing and helping my Grandma transition from her final earthly days to home into God’s arms and to be with her beloved husband, my grandfather, after 64 years of marriage.

June 2, 2014:

Tossing back and forth on my friends couch I decided I would just sleep through the morning as a way to waste time waiting for “the phone call” I had been waiting on for the last few weeks. The one that would decide where I would live and may be the deciding factor of my relationship.

Finally I glanced at my phone, missed call and voicemail from Providence, RI. Oh no!! I missed the call!! How could I let that happen?? Without thinking I went immediately to voicemail and put the phone to my ear: “This message is for Amanda Krueger, this is the program director of St. Joseph’s CRNA program and I’m calling to notify you of your acceptance into our program……” WHOOOOOOO!!! Thank you God!! I then woke up my friends and proceeded to call my family and pretty much anyone on my cell phone list I thought would care! Amidst all the excitement I then got sick to my stomach with the realization that I had to call my boyfriend. Oh no…. it seemed the future of our relationship hung on my acceptance into school or not. I was moving to Rhode Island.

As I drove home to get ready for work, I knew I had to call him. Our conversation was awkward and when we got off the phone he texted me saying: “I’m not going to Rhode Island.” And as I looked back at this moment months later, I realized this was the moment when I was finally just done. After 10 years of a friendship, a relationship of ups and downs, a long distance relationship at that, struggles, tears, disappointments, love, support, happiness, I ended it. We had been drifting apart ever since I applied to school and while we both took turns over the last 10 years fighting for the relationships, I couldn’t fight anymore. He was my last phone call when he should’ve been the first (well, after my mom) and not only did I call him last I was sick about it. Shouldn’t he be my biggest fan and support? The person to ride with me to my dreams?

I stepped out of my car on this bright, hot, sunny 109 degree Arizona day and as I walked up the stairs to my apartment, I saw another feather. God is great! The dream giver remains! I must stay the course.

My journal entry that day:

Lord,

I trust you to get me to RI. To let go of what’s not needed, to hold on to the precious things and run quickly and steadfastly into your arms.

I’m ready for the next steps of the journey. I know you’ll get me to RI and get my grandma home and provide my mom peace.

Lead me with the wisdom to keep pressing forward and deliver me from evil. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven Forevermore.

YOU ARE KING! I LOVE YOU! I THANK YOU. I am ready for desert wastelands and hopeful sanctuaries! Take me on the journey. This time Lord I’m going with you!

AMEN!

I picked up a piece of paper and began making one of my famous to-do lists of everything that needed to get done as school was starting July 1st! I had less than 4 weeks to move across country and find an apartment. Now that I wasn’t getting married anymore and living with him, I had to do some serious re-arranging. As I became anxious looking at my list I tore it up and threw it away and made a new one:

1. Get to RI safely

2. Grandma home to God peacefully

3. Have all basic needs met during the move: food, shelter and clothing.

4. Find job & an apartment

What do you want from God? What are you asking Him for in your prayers.

Be very careful what you pray for and what you ask God for… He is listening and your life WILL change when you faithfully walk by His side.

 

10. The Unfolding

Grab a piece of paper and title it “My Unfolding” and write down in order of occurrence, some of the most pivotal moments of your life, good and bad. For ex.- adopting a child, your first job, graduating college, your first broken heart, marriage, birth, death, moving, friendships…

Look over it and take a deep breath and say “it all counts.” Wherever you are in your faith and relationship with God, EVERYTHING that has happened to you counts for something. His timing is perfect, ours is not. It’s your choice whether to view all of those things you wrote down as a stepping stone to your true calling, whether you understand it or see it or not. Faith. Trust that God is good and works everything for your good. Your list is your preparation. The best is yet to come.

May 14, 2014

My Unfolding:

  • Adoption
  • Becoming a nurse
  • Minnesota
  • Travel nursing, Jobs, Friendships through my travels
  • Meeting my birth parents
  • Mary Kay, Leadership track
  • Relationship with Damien
  • Baltimore
  • Phoenix 2014
  • …………………

So badly did I yearn to know the rest. Will I get into CRNA school? Will my relationship last? Will I be happy? Where will I live if I don’t get into school, what will I do? Can I really continue being an ER nurse?

TRUST.

God knows every piece of our unfolding and until then my only job is to continue building my faith and relationship with Him and live the moments with a grateful heart, rising above my circumstances. Staying the course.

Are you truly making your days count amid struggle and the unknown?

Journal entry, May 23, 2014:

I think a lot of us have dreams to help people, that’s why we’ve chosen the jobs or careers we do. To make a difference. Then we get in these jobs, green, excited, naive and somewhere down the line something changes and somehow we become the very people we despised when we started because they just complained. We allow negativity to seep in, we may become uncomfortable, we get lost. Question is: How do we respond? What kind of person do we want to be? Can we still have and create the ‘make a difference’ life we always wanted and pay the bills? 

We may even try something different and change lives in a better way. But more often than not, we always end up in the same pit. Not happy, fed up, complainers who may just settle for an unfulfilled life journey. But I choose to find Jesus and ask Him what He saw and intended for my life rather than focus on me, me, me and what I wanted.”

And then the words of Jesus poured from my pen: “Patience child. I’ll prepare you but you must slow down. Enjoy your moments, look for treasures, share blessings, do good, be my friend, live in peace, and walk blindly yet full of strong enduring faith. For my dreams for you are bigger and stronger than anything you could ever imagine for yourself. Follow me. Trust me. For I love you. You are valuable and precious to me. Allow me to work through you all the seconds of your life to produce an abundance of fruit for me.”

Below is another great message paraphrased from Anna Quindler, a journalist, who gave this speech to college graduates,

“Get a life. Not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, a bigger paycheck or a larger house. Get a life in which you are generous. Work hard on crafting your spirit and character more than crafting your resume. What you are, will always be more important than what you do.

Everyone wants to do well but if you don’t do good, doing well will never be enough.”

Lord,

Thank you for your message today and all days. I relinquish all control to you. I’m in the dark and the only way out is following your light. Thank you for the opportunities to always seek you. Amen.